1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- They don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend.....but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, 'I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.'
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Aristotle: To fulfill its nature on the other side.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
George W. Bush: Well,...................
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Yukio Mishima: For the beauty of it. The chicken's extension of its sinuous legs sent shivers of a dark despair into the souls not only of the silently watching hens but also the roosters, who felt a sudden sexual desire for their exquisite comrade. The dark courage of the chicken was as beautiful as drops of dew upon jade at midnight, struck by a partial moon, its light filtered through clouds. One of the deeply aroused roosters could stand the intensity of the moment no more and bit off the head of the beautiful, courageous chicken-hero, whose wine blood was deliciously drunken by the road, and he died.
Johnny Cochran: The chicken didn't cross the road. Some chicken-hating, genocidal, lying public official moved the road right under the chicken's feet while he was practicing his golf swing and
thinking about his family.
Albert Camus: The chicken's mother had just died. But this did not really upset him, as any number of witnesses can attest. In fact, he crossed just because the sun got in his eyes.
So Dumb It Hurts
Veterinarian | Orlando, FL, USA
(I work at a vet’s office, and am giving a woman and her three children basic grooming information for their new puppy. The conversation has already been going on for an hour.)
Me: “… the groomers can do different ‘cuts’ or ’styles’ for your dog, depending on how you want him to look.”
Customer: “Will that hurt?”
Me: “Will what hurt?”
Customer: “Cutting him, will it hurt when you cut him?”
Me: “No… it’s not cutting HIM, it’s just cutting his fur.”
Customer: “Oh… but will that hurt?”
Me: “No… it’s hair.”
Customer: “Are you sure it won’t hurt when you cut it?”
Me: “It’s just like when you get your own hair cut. Does it hurt when you get your hair cut?”
Customer: *looks confused*
Me: “Okay… well no, it won’t hurt.”
(I then go on to other aspects of grooming… clipping toe nails, cleaning the ears, etc.)
Me: “… you can clean the puppy’s ears if they get dirty, or just whenever you give him a bath.”
Me: *goes over the ear cleaning process*
Customer: “Will it hurt? ”
Me: “No… he may not like it, and may shake his head, but it shouldn’t hurt. Just make sure you don’t stick anything, like a Q-Tip, into his ear.”
Customer: “Okay, so how do I do that?”
Me: *goes over the ear cleaning process again*
Me: “… and again, just whenever you give him a bath…”
Customer: “Okay, how do I do that? ”
Me: “Well, there are several different shampoos you can use…”
Customer: “But how do I do that?”
Me: “You mean… how do you actually give him a bath?”
Customer: “Yes, how do I do that?”
Me: “Just like you’d bathe your kids… the puppy’s small, so you can bathe him in the sink, or in the bath tub…”
Customer: “But how do I bathe him?”
(At this point, I look at the woman’s three children, and wonder how they’ve survived their mother.)
Me: “Umm… you put water on him… err… you know, we have full-service grooming here, it includes a bath, we’ll do everything for you… cut his toe nails, clean his ears, trim his hair…”
Customer: “But we don’t want to hurt him. Will a bath hurt?”
Me: “It’s WATER!”
Big Lies Are Better Than Small Ones
Liquor Store | Willimantic, CT, USA
(Often I enter the beer cooler with shorts, a t-shirt and some rubber-hand work gloves on.)
Me: *walks out of the cooler*
Customer: “Are you f***ing insane? It’s freezing in there.
Me: “I don’t mind it.”
Customer: “That’s bulls***! You know it’s cold. Why would you lie to me?”
Me: “Excuse me? I’m pretty sure I know my own tolerance and I’m working so I get a bit warm, even in there.”
Customer: “WARM!? In a COOLER!? You’re a G**D*** LIAR! How can you be WARM in THERE!”
Me: “I’m Canadian, and ever since my igloo melted I only feel at home in there.”
Customer: “Oh, I didn’t know. I’m sorry for your loss.”
The Not-So-Difficult Art Of Misdirection
Fencing Club | Canada
Me: “Hello, ****** Fencing Club.”
Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for some galvanized pipe.”
Me: “I’m sorry, I think you may be confused. This is a fencing club… you know, the sport. We don’t actually make fences.”
Customer: “Oh… you see, I’m making a cage for a parrot. Do you have any galvanized pipe?”
Me: “No, I don’t think you understand. We don’t have material for building fences, we do sword fighting here. It’s a sport. Foils, epees, sabres.”
Customer: “Oh, okay… it needs to be galvanized so that it won’t chip if the parrot bites it.”
Me: “I don’t think you’re following me. We don’t build fences here, and we don’t have pipe.”
Customer: “Oh, I see… you see, I need to make the cage for a movie set, and it needs to be galvanized so that it doesn’t chip if the parrot bites it.”
Me: *giving up* “Galvanized pipe, you say?”
Me: “Try the Soccer Centre.”
Customer: “The Soccer Centre?”
Me: “Yeah, the Soccer Centre.”
Customer: “Thank you!”
Fiquemos agora com mais algumas pérolas escolares. Desta feita, uma magnífica demonstração de erudição por parte de alunos no exame de admissão para a Universidade Católica de Mendonza, na Argentina. Entre parentesis, alguns comentários de professores, que não resistiram a trocar emails uns com os outros, com amostras das melhores calinadas que lhes caiam no regaço.
Os quatro Evangelistas:
Os quatro evangelistas eram três: São Pedro e São Paulo (leio e releio e continuo sem perceber qual é o terceiro - e último – dos quatro...)
A Catedral de Lyon:
Foi construída pelos romanos graças a um arquitecto americano (pois, que lhes enviou os planos pela internet...)
A formação das cordilheiras:
as montanhas não se formam em um ou dois dias, demoram muito tempo a formar-se (sim, semanas, talvez?)
A atmosfera é o sítio onde se encontram os processos atmosféricos, como as nuvens. Aqui se produzem os raios sísmicos, que são aqueles que produzem os terremotos e o enrugamento da terra (sem palavras)
Movimentos do coração:
De rotação ao redor de si mesmo e de trasladação ao redor do corpo (deve estar estrangulado pela aorta, o que o impede de pensar)
É uma linha unida nos dois extremos formando um redondel (eu não conseguiria defini-lo melhor...)
Verificar se 2639 é um número primo:
Para mim este é um número primo porque não há nenhum número que, dividido por este número, que é 2639, seja exacto. Se você achar que está mal, corrija. (fiquei encantado com a subjectividade da resposta, “para mim...”)
As etapas mais importantes da evolução do homem:
Acredita-se que a primeira aparição do Homo Sapiens se deu no ano de 570. Entre 570 e até 1200 apareceu o Homo Habilis. A partir de 1200 e até, aproximadamente, 1700 existiu o Homo Habilis e depois, homens normais (não consegui parar de rir...)
É uma ideologia racional e adstringente (será boa para a limpeza da cútis?...)
Foi um descobridor cartaginês que pretendia descobrir a América; o que conseguiu
Serviam para transportar a água de um extremo ao outro, em vez de de se ir levando com baldes (esta é a mais racional de todas)
Vivem na rua, não têm dinheiro e, como é óbvio, não têm privilégios (sim, muito óbvio!!!)
Não podiam ser dela se não tinham sangue e não eram da família desse grupo (sem palavras...)
Nas terras do nobre ficavam a casa do senhor, o moinho, a torradeira, etc. (faltou-lhe a trituradora eléctrica)
Literatura – Medir o segundo verso:
Cerca de 7,5 centímetros (sem palavras)
As ideias, depois de falarmos, vão para o cérebro (oxalá!)
Exemplo de galináceo que não seja uma galinha:
A depuração da água:
Faz-se com os raios ultra-violentos
Movimentos do coração:
O coração está sempre em movimento, só está parado nos cadáveres
A rã tem uma abertura cloacal, através da qual lança o típico som “cloac, cloac” (insuperável, quase mágico!)
Exemplo de parasita interno:
As bombas atómicas
São vegetais com características animais
O álcool, o algodão e a água oxigenada
Moisés e os israelitas:
Os israelitas, no deserto, alimentavam-se de patriarcas (apaguei o comentário do colega, era um pouco anti-semita)
É um apetite incontrolável para comer e beber, que se corrige praticando a luxúria
Que rio passa em Viena?
O Vesúvio Azul
na Holanda, em cada quatro habitantes, um é uma vaca
É o que Deus nos dá para podermos entender os padres (e para continuar a ensinar...)
O homem primitivo:
Vestia-se de peles e refugiava-se nas tabernas